Democrats offer ten new types of insurance

Since every Democrat candidate has some form of socialized medicine or Universal Healthcare plan out there, here's a list of types of insurance I would like to have…I mean if the government can somehow provide effective health insurance coverage for every American citizen in this country at no cost, then these 10 Types of Insurances should be relatively easy and much less complicated for the Democrats to implement:

1. Poor People Insurance. This insurance coverage would allow the government to simply print more money and give it to people who qualify. In order to qualify you must have a pulse and believe that it is unfair to expect a family of 8 to live off of the earnings of one person within the household working full-time at minimum wage.
2. Rich People Insurance. This is actually a rider for Item 1. This policy can be purchased from the government for a reasonably high co-pay (75% tax bracket) and the coverage ensures that if you are rich, then you may be allowed to stay that way….at least until Poor People Insurance devalues your actual cash.
3. Food Insurance. If the government can cover my health cradle to grave, then they can surely feed me along the way…oh and I like fresh Pacific Northwest Salmon and whole wheat hand-made pasta. No more tuna fish and Ramen noddles. Food Insurance would involve a government issued card that reads, “I get hungry. I need food and I don't like to work for it.” This will be paid for by taxing the farmers…you know…like how other government programs work…taxing the actual producer until he can no longer produce anything.
4. Ugly Insurance. There’s nothing worse than standing in the Food Insurance Card Issue line and having to look at a bunch of ugly people. If we have abortion on demand, we should have Botox on demand…they may already have this in CA.
5. Lawn Insurance.= This policy would provide me and my yard a crew of newly legalized workers to use at my discretion. Frankly I am tired of mowing my own yard.
6. Global Warming Insurance.= This is the easiest of all insurance polices to provide. The government will tax the living daylights out of every major industrial business and manufacturing facility until they no longer can produce dangerous by-products like carbon and nitrogen. Therefore once these businesses are out of the pollution business, they will be out of business, then Global Warming will stop. Then the policy will change to the Chinese Global Warming policy. Only the U.S., China and Russia will be allowed to pollute indiscriminately. All other countries must be pollution-free.
7. Britney Spears Insurance.= This policy will ensure my family is no longer infected by this unfortunate disease and the like.
8. Life Insurance.= This is not typical life insurance, where if you die your benefactors get some money, no this is ‘I Screwed-Up My Life and I Need the Government to Bail Me Out Insurance.’ By far it has the longest title, but is the most self explanatory. In fact, a form of this is already in effect in the housing and mortgage industry.
9. Neighbor Insurance.= This policy will ensure that I never have to meet my neighbors, speak to them over the fence, or invite them over so that by not doing so I will ensure that I never make friends, strengthen my neighborhood, or care about anyone else but myself. All the government has to do is pass a law declaring it illegal and that should do it. On second thought, that may not work. The government has already shown a penchant for failing to enforce laws already on the books, ala immigration.
10. Constitution Insurance.= I want to have an insurance policy that will provide for all my basic and luxury needs and wants in case a politician reads the Constitution after I am completely dependent on the government ‘teat’, and realizes that the Constitution doesn’t have a “Nanny” clause.

If the dems have figured out Universal Health Care, then the items above should be pretty straight forward. (paraphrase and modified from ktownlowdown.com)