We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, preserve the wonderful country in which we are privileged to live, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty, prosperity and quality of life to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require
a Bill of NON-Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any
other form of wealth. More power to you (Oliver) if you can legally acquire them, but
no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but
the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye or mishandle a hot cup of coffee, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer or restaurant to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes and welfare parasites who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes and welfare parasites. You do not have the right to expect everyone else to take care of you!
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill some one, don't be surprised if
the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair or get the needle.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you
rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where
you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to
have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you
to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training
laid before you to make yourself useful and then, get a JOB!! We expect that you will postpone getting pregnant or having a family until you have the skills and knowledge needed to support a family.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! Nothing in this article may be construed to prohibit the study or private use of foreign languages but all official business of government at all levels will be conducted, printed or published only in English. Citizenship will be granted only to those who demonstrate the ability to read and understand complex ballot issues in English. Voting privileges are reserved for citizens fluent in English. Immigration priority will be given to applicants who demonstrate such fluency.
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet,
you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith
at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
ARTICLE XII: Regardless of employer magnets and spineless politicians, you do not have the right to enter this country without the proper documentation. If you do enter this country illegally, we will use all means at our disposal to apprehend, detain, and expeditiously repatriate you at your own, your employer’s or your homeland government’s expense. Workplace enforcement using E-verification is specifically authorized. Employers who fail to use the system for fail to detain those with name/ssn mismatches will be subject to two years in jail for the first offense and 5 years for each additional offense. An illegal alien returns will be confined at hard labor for not less than two years.
ARTICLE XIII: The 14th Amendment notwithstanding, children, born in the U.S. of parents who are here illegally, are citizens of the country of origin of their parents. Children born in the U.S. of parents who are here legally as citizens or permanent residents will be granted birthright citizenship when they attain the age of 21 or at age 18 if they enlist in the armed forces for not less than 4 years.
ARTICLE XIV: You do not have the right to have more children than you can reasonably support and educate. You do not have the right to impose the burden of additional children upon other taxpayers. Tax exemptions are limited to no more than two children per woman. Unused tax exemptions may be bought and sold.
ARTICLE XV: Foreign agricultural workers with temporary work permits must return to their homelands when the harvest is in or when their visas expire. Failure to do so permanently bars the workers for returning after they have been apprehended and repatriated. Children born of temporary workers are not entitled to birthright citizenship unless they enlist in the armed forces for not less than 4 years and demonstrate a thorough knowledge of our history, culture, language, flag, constitution and other relevant laws.